A lot of people wear them and think nothing of it. They enjoy the freedom, the extra ventilation, the chance to extend their tan even further. But it was with some amount of trepidation that I first slipped into a pair in Clothes Encounter, Belmore Road, Randwick. The staff there were very understanding of my concerns, very supportive. They explained that the brand I had chosen - top quality apparently - was Brazilian. I was convinced. I decided to wear them out of the store.
I have to say that the novelty began to wear off before I was even halfway up Belmore Road. Put simply, I just wasn't used to have anything rubbing along, well, there, and it was beginning to have an effect on the way I was walking. I asked the girls to slow down at first, but then, to run ahead to hold the bus - I just wasn't up for it. Later, as we neared our apartment, I even considered taking them off there and then. But decorum prevailed and I made it back inside before frantically wriggling out of them and sighing with relief. But, as the Germans say 'Einmal ist keinmal', once doesn't count. before I could give up on 'Brendan the thong-wearer' I had to give it one more go. I decided to wear them the next day for a walk with Gary and Ludi between Bronte and Bondi.
Letizia had the excellent idea of putting preventitive bandaids on strategic friction points, and I have to say that the ploy seemed to be working, as Gary and I set a blistering pace, manfully striding ahead of the girls. But as the plasters came undone in the early afternoon heat and humidity, I found myself in trouble again. Of course, I could hardly complain to our hosts about my predicament. Real Australians open beer bottles with their eye sockets for God's sake. I could hardly stop every two minutes in order to adjust myself to relieve the thong-enduced weals that I could feel rising. The experiment was clearly over - I was not ever, ever going to be so foolish again. But we had another good hour to go before I finally conceded defeat and applied the necessary balms in the privacy of our apartment.
The wounds have almost healed now, and in any case I would never post anything so graphic as an image of the abrasions and blisterings that I suffered. I will, however, add a picture of the offending pair: